Suffering for your (he)art

Attendance at gigs does not come without its dangers. Laura Kenwright had a little recce through her brain and came up with the top ten awkward moments. She may have experienced all/ some/ none of these... we couldn’t possibly divulge that sort of information

1) Thebumpingintoanexlover
An awkward moment no matter where. At a gig this intensifies, there are worries about being under surveillance from said other party. It has the potential to stir up old emotions that were cemented to the old soundtrack you and the ex created together.

2) The-folkies-versus-the-drinkers
See melodious, harmonising bands who sing their pretty hearts out and abstain from the beer in favour of Evian so they can reach those testicle-defying notes. A difficult gig to attend. Is it better to stay silent and lose yourself in the hazy lemony wash of dream-like melody, or is it better to vocalise your thoughts to the band and crowd; ‘YEAH!’ and risk being scowled at and ‘shushed’ at by many a potential librarian gig goers? The choice is yours.

3) Thebadcrowd-syndrome
You’re so bloody excited about going to see said artist, you turn up and the crowd are dire. They either don’t get it like you do, or they’re uninterested and there to look cool or because they’ve been dragged along. Or really, because they are dickheads. Ah well. Not sure of an antidote to this. Possibly win a competition to see said band in your living room.

4) Thewaitingaround
Having to wait an extortionate amount of time for a band to grace us with their presence with no explanation is just bloody rude. If a bloke in a tweed blazer sporting leather elbow patches grabs the mic and alerts the twitching, paying audience: "so and so will not leave their dressing room until the drums have started thumping on Eastenders", or "so and so’s pre-gig ritual of bathing in donkey’s milk, reciting all lyrics of Led Zep’s IV in Welsh against a backdrop of Handel’s Messiah is taking a lot longer than usual I’m afraid." Then brilliant, I’m happy, I’ve been placated. We go to gigs to escape the mundanity and the waiting around in our ‘real lives’. We certainly don’t need some jumped up artist doing their best impression of the Virgin Pendolino Glasgow Central to London Euston service, thanks very much.

5) Thebadvenue
Arguably a fine musician should be able to light up any old hole. But when you’ve paid £22, you’ve travelled for an hour and a half, and you get there and you can’t see cos the venue is the width of a school ruler, then you have a right to be pissed off. Not even a surprise Stones Roses reunion accompanied on stage with the ghosts of Elvis and Buddy Holly would ease the pain of the bad venue. Ways to combat this include ID’ing said awful places for the future and not returning, or demolition.

6) Overpriced-drinks-and-cloakrooms
£2 per item for a cloakroom, even in Central London, takes the piss. People have to make money from music, yes, but when it’s not the musicians pocketing those fine silver and gold coins I raise an objecting eyebrow. Especially these days, paying £3.50 for a tin of cider you can buy for 90p in the shop (but can’t take in with you) is a joke, and not a good business idea. If you lower the prices, people will drink more. Not that I’m advocating alcoholism at all, but what I am advocating is the chance to imbibe a few tinnies at a gig on my shoestring budget.

7) Thebadperformance
It depends on the musicians, of course. If you’re going to see Black Lace, you are paying money for a bad performance. If you’re spending your child’s inheritance on going to see a band whose music you’ve been lusting after for months/ years and they spend the whole evening uncharismatically staring at their uncharismatic shoes, then bubbling anger shall ensue. There is a difference between natural nonchalance that’s part of the enthralling live act and nonchalance because the band don’t give a fuck about their performance. It’s always refreshing to see a band really put their backs into it. And terribly depressing when they think they are far too scene to bother interacting with the crowd. FFS.

8) notlettingsmokersoutside
I wholeheartedly agree with the smoking ban. However, I am a smoker and I go to gigs and I like to smoke. There are probably a high proportion of smokers at gigs. So, when some venues are too lazy to co-ordinate some kind of outdoor smoking policy, this makes me angry. You pay money to go and have a good night, see and hear some good music and relax whilst doing so. If I want to escape for a couple of rollies during the evening, I really should be allowed. And will interrogate the security if I’m not. The smoking ban is difficult for bands/artists as it is – imagine you’ve got an early support slot. The majority of smokers will not want to head into a venue that doesn’t allow re-entry until the very last minute, therefore rendering support slots even more difficult and sparsely attended than usual.

9) Notenoughor/toomanypeople
A gig with very few numbers is embarrassing for all involved. The room and everyone in it will be touched with a sense of unjustness. An overcrowded gig – which capacity numbers technically override – is horrendous. These usually happen at festivals or open-air gigs, where a trip to the toilet that is 20 yards away takes an hour. Sometimes, you’ve just got to be tactical – leave the gig early or head towards a door before the encore so you can escape the crowds. Overcrowding is horrendously dangerous, as I tried to point out, post-fainting, at a venue that quite obviously flouted its health and safety laws on a particular night.

10) The-not-so-interested-in-the-new-material,but-I-really-wanna-hear-the-old-classics
A difficult one. Especially if the new material is rubbish. As a music lover it’s important to crave and support the creative future of our idols. However, we are placed in a sticky situation if the culmination of these ‘creative futures’ are hideous. If you feel you couldn’t possibly miss out on going to see X/Y/Z live because they helped shape who you are, despite their hideous new album, then do some research beforehand and find the likelihood/ percentage of classics that will be performed. Or take many conveniently-planned toilet breaks.

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